Adam Morrell
by The Sketchywallflowr
Summary: A fic for a secret santa. River's time at the academy, and the secret lives of the Tams.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: All characters and settings are works of Joss Whedon. _

_Author's Note: This fic was written specifically for Finding_jay. It is their secret santa gift, and I do hope it is enjoyed. _

_~The Sketch_

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**Prologue**:

There was a night, while River lay in bed, that she was certain Simon would come for her. Her body was taxed and her mind ached, but she knew he would come soon. She had sent the letters to him, she had been so careful to keep them elusive yet simple. She encoded her pleas inside them so they would jump off the page when Simon read them. Simon was smart, and kind. Surely he would know what she needed.

River spent all that night half asleep, half ready to leap from her bed and set off at a run, Simon's familiar voice echoing down the hall ahead of her. She knew he would be prepared, have a plan for their escape. Simon was careful, he would have every detail mapped out so there was no chance of failure. He was coming, of that she was sure.

One year later, she lay curled in that same bed, whimpering. The people at the academy made her train, made her think. They set loose the students into a battlefield where each one of them would have to jump, leap, tumble and run to make it past the live mines and snipers firing at them. They needed to use their wits to keep alive, to barter with the seedy men who stood guard at the gates and often would not let someone pass for all the money in the world. You might need to do other things. They might ask you to kill one of your fellow students, or sleep with one of them while the dirty guards beside you watched, laughing. The heads of the academy thought it was important for the students to lose all dignity, lose all morals and inhibitions. The most effective killing machines were the ones that didn't feel.

_Two years prior..._

When training had begun, River felt proud of what she could accomplish. They tested her on everything- music, literature, mathematics. They tested her physicality as well, through ballet, track, martial arts, yoga. The teachers (or so they called themselves) would watch the students, sometimes grabbing one out of the middle of a class and throwing them out of the school, telling them that they could never become as great as the school promised. River was one of twenty students who remained, all teenagers between fourteen and seventeen. They came from all aspects of life, all places and all classes. Within the year, the children would find their previous breeding did not matter.

One morning, eight months into her first year, River began to notice her curriculum changing. Physical education classes were more combat based, less artistic. Their studies veered off from universal politics and sociology, and began focusing more on tactical theory. River noticed a change in her fellow classmates, and thusly a change in herself. During her studies she felt weak, subdued and tired. She hardly questioned when the instructor gave false information to the class. Yet during combat training she felt fierce, a surge of adrenaline rushing through her. The pieces of the puzzle were starting to fall, but she could not place them, not yet.

Then came the surgery.

One night, very late, she was taken from her bed. Although she could hear the voices above her, River couldn't talk. She discovered from overhead conversation that the academy had been drugging the water of their students, giving them sedatives in class and steroids during combat. Her eyes fluttered open as she was wheeled into the operation room. In a haze, the caught sight of Fletcher Green, another student, being wheeled out on a gurney. His eyes were closed and his head was shaved. There were angry red lines crossing all over his head, stitched closed with dark maroon thread. He looked like a monster, dead. River couldn't look away from him, even as he disappeared through the doors, even as she was strapped to a table and injected with ink and hooked up to electrodes, her eyes never left where Fletcher had been, as though she could will him to come back and explain what had happened.

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Case File #3334771 Tam, River Female, Age 15

Subject has strong reactions in every electroshock test. Temporal lobe suggests uncanny intuition, ability to recall memory in great detail. Using formula 88A, subject senses medics around her and perceives their personalities without recognition of faces. High doses may lead to psychic readings, eventual lead to total mental invasion and domination.

Subject has great potential.  
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_The Next Year..._

The night after her surgery, everyone at the academy lost all pretense. The front door was shut with iron bars, every window was locked and barricaded. River's instructors told the students they would never leave the academy, and if they did they would be killed. They were weapons now, property. The Alliance was counting on them to train and work and become effective killing machines. This was their contribution to the betterment of tomorrow.

River had tried to escape seven times. She had nearly succeeded twice, but was taken out by the safe word. She hadn't even noticed that during classes, the instructors were subliminally weakening her resolve with drugs, and using the safe word when she and the other students were falling asleep. It became ingrained in her brain to assosciate the word with slumber, until even when previously alert she could not fight the urge even if she'd wanted to.

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Case File #3334771 Tam, River Female, Age 15

Subject continues to be unruly, screams in her sleep, fights with instructors. Suggest heavy sedatives and additional safe word. Combat training is near complete. Flexibility, strength, speed, and agility all desireable. Removing a quadrant of the amygdala has significantly improved subjects' willingness to attack. Response to memory injection is favorable, though subject is highly resistant to it.

After completion of physical training, subject will be moved to base two for intelligence reprogramming and complete self-memory wipeout. She has proved more advanced both physically and metally then her counterparts.

Subject is our most valuable asset.  
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_The night before the escape..._

River Tam lay in bed, shivering. She was not cold, but sick. Sick in the head, sick in the heart. Her muscles ached. Her brain throbbed. She had done awful, terrible things today. But she hadn't done anything except sit in a room and watch flashes of memory cross her vision. She had been strapped to a chair, electrodes taped all around her head. Several needles punctured her skin, draining fluids of the experimental kind into her system. Of the initial twenty students, only seven remained. Seven had been slain in battle training, two had killed themselves, and four had died on the experiment table, the drugs being pumped into their systems proving too much. The children were treated worse than lab rats. There was no regard for their safety, no concern for their well-being. They were props, objects. Things.

On that night, River's last night, she became aware that all hope was indeed lost. She wondered what the heads of the school told the families of the dead students, or if they told them anything at all. The instructors forced the children to write letters home. They inspected them carefully so no secrets of the school would leak. River wondered if, maybe, the men with blue hands just forged letters from her fallen comrades, and maybe there were families far away who read those letters and smiled, proud of their child and all that they had accomplished. Families who did not know that their son Fletcher or their daughter Marie had been cut to pieces and were tossed out like used lunch meats. Families that were blissfully unaware that the baby of their family, Charles, had been performing oral sex on a gate guard when his head had been sliced off by a fellow student.

River closed her eyes and went to sleep, deciding that she would simply submit to the will of the hands of blue. She could not escape on her own, and Simon was not coming. It chilled her only a little to realize she was sleeping in her grave.

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ALL POINTS BULLETIN:

Case File #3334771 Tam, River Female, Age 16

Subject was stolen from Area 909 72 hours ago. She is in advanced training. Must be considered armed and dangerous at all times. Subject is traveling with caucasian male, appx. 5'7", aged late twenties. Pale features, blue eyes, black hair. No distinguishing facial marks. Male is believed to be Simon Tam.

Reacquire subject at all costs.  
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_After the escape..._

While Simon and River sat in the dark room, knowing they had to be still or else they would be found out, River sought his hand and squeezed it for comfort. This must have been what Ann Frank felt like, sitting in the dark, breath low and shallow. Your very life depended on how still you could be.

"I think they're gone," Simon whispered, the words scraping their way past his teeth and just touching River's ears. "We should stay here the night, just in case." River nodded in agreement, though she knew he could not see in the dark. She was just too grateful that he was here, that they were both alive and free and everything would be okay now that they were together.

Simon slipped an arm around River, drawing her close beside him. What he needed to tell her was very important, and he wanted to make absolute sure that she could hear him. "I told the men who helped me I was your brother," he said softly.

River's eyes went wide. "Why would you do that?" she whispered. "They're going to get caught, and the men will go to mom and dad-"

"I know," he told her. "That's why I did it. They're going to go looking for Simon Tam back home. Understand?" River did not think she understood, but she was inexplainably aware of what he had in mind and she did not like it at all. She wanted to tell him no, that she couldn't agree to this, but his words cut her off. "We need to stay safe," he continued. "I drew them away from us as best I could." He stroked River's cheek with his fingertips. "This is the way it has to be, mei-mei."

Mei-mei. Little sister. The nails in River's coffin.


	2. Chapter 2

**Serenity: Modern Day.** (Well, modern as in 500 years from now.)

Captain Reynolds, in his usual swagger, strolled the corridors of his beloved ship. It was late night, according to the Universal Time Units. Mal often walked alone at night, just listening to the sounds of his ship. Serenity hummed like a satisfied queen. Patching her up after the Reavers attack had been quite a chore, but surprisingly no one had minded the work. It felt cathartic to be able to fix something, to put on fresh paint and start anew. Mal didn't know how well this crew- well hell, it was more a family now- was going to hold together. How did you tell a wife that she had to move on? How did you console a ship full of people who'd lost someone so near and dear to them it felt as though everything had shattered to pieces? How did you honor the memory of a lost Shepherd when you didn't believe anything he preached? Very big questions clouded Mal's mind and kept him awake long after everyone else had retired. Mal thought about Zoe as he passed her bunk. He thought about how she lay there, alone, probably hugging the pillow Wash slept on. How she'd probably cried herself to sleep. He thought about Kaylee and Simon, and how now apparently he'd be spending a lot of time in Kaylee's bunk. He thought about how Zoe must look at the two new lovers, and how could she not feel the stab of spicy envy? And then River, who now slept in the lower part of the ship all alone. Mal thought about his family and their problems, and how they were going to fix them.

He tried best he could to not think about his own problems, Inara included in them. He tried not to think about how he wanted- ached- for her to stay, to take a page from Kaylee's book and ignore the gaping hole between their social status and just sweep Inara up into his arms and carry her off. He tried not to think about how life on this ship would be ruin for a companion who was looking for stability, and how their relationship couldn't last a day if he thought for a minute he'd have to share her with anyone else. He tried not to think about losing her again.

It was funny, but as a matter of fact, the only person Mal wasn't worried much about was Jayne. Jayne had always been a cause for concern. Most of the time Mal knew he could count on his hired man, so long as the money came in. It could come slow, but it still came. Jayne was surprisingly patient. But there was always a seed of doubt, always that little space in the corner of Mal's mind that wondered, would today be the day Jayne turned tail? But lately, the merc had been pleasant and helpful and eager to please. He was good to Zoe, kept his scathing comment about River to a minimal. Maybe you couldn't watch a comrade fall and not change, if even just a little.

Meandering his way to the bridge, as he often did on mid night strolls, Mal came to see that he was not alone tonight. River sat in the pilot's chair, folded into herself. Her chin rested on her on knees, and her hair fell in tendrils around her oval face. "Why do you suppose he doesn't love me anymore?"

The question was an unexpected one, and for a few seconds Mal was at a loss for words. "You mean your brother?" he asked, to clarify. River nodded, though did not look at him. "Well," he said, shrugging a shoulder, "I'm sure he does... I mean, of course he still does, your his sister. Why would you think..." Mal trailed off, getting a feeling as to why she was asking. "Is this about Kaylee?" She didn't reply, but he knew he must be right. "You gotta understand," he began, "that Simon is... well, he's got... what I mean to say is-"

"Simon has needs," River finished for him. "He has sexual urges and desires that he needs a woman- not his sister- to fulfil." Her tone was bitter and dark. "I hate that he needs her. Whore."

"Hey now," Mal said angrily. "I'll not have you talking about anyone on my crew that way. 'Sides, I thought you an' Kaylee got on nice enough."

"I do like Kaylee," she said tragically. "She is sweet and kind and good." River's face fell. "She cannot be what he needs anymore," she murmured.

"Why not?" Mal asked against his better judgement. You got yourself involved in crazy talk with River, you might never see yourself out of it. But at least now he didn't have to think his own thoughts so much.

"Not Kaylee," River explained. She seemed disinclined to explain who, however, since she apparently didn't mean the mechanic. Mal crossed his arms and frowned, trying to make any sense of what had just come from his new pilot's mouth. River's voice interrupted his thoughts once again. "Maybe she needs someone new," she reasoned aloud.

"Kaylee?" Mal asked, this time sure he was on the ball again.

"No," River replied, making a you-are-a-moron-for-suggesting-that face. "Me."

"You?" Wait, when had they started talking about River? But suddenly, as if moonbrain fever had caught, Mal understood. Simon had someone other than River keeping him happy. That person was Kaylee. Understandably, River felt left out. So River had decided that _she_ needed to find someone other than _Simon_ to keep her happy. "Makes sense enough," Mal reasoned, proud of himself for cracking the crazy conversation code. "You're getting old enough I guess." But where in hell would she find someone? Truth be told, he didn't like the idea. She was still so young, and there weren't no one he could think of who could handle her too well. On top of being all Alliance messed up, she was way too smart for anyone she could find on this side of the black.

"Why not you?" she asked, finally turning her head to look at him.

"Me?" he replied, flabberghasted. "No," he chuckled uneasily, "not me. I'm too old for you. I could be your-" _Father_, was what he was going to say, but he didn't want to admit how old he'd gotten. In all actuality he _could_ have fathered her. "Not me," he finished.

"Jayne?"

Mal scoffed. "You really wanna shack up with the likes of Jayne? I wish you all the best." And then he added, "And no."

"No," River agreed. Jayne was too domineering and macho. And he hated her, which immediately put a damper on things. And she wasn't too keen on him, either. "We need new crew," she said slyly.

Mal couldn't help but crack a smile. She was just being so _normal_ right now. "I ain't hiring someone new just to feed this fantasy of yours," he informed her. "I'm not your dating service."

River swiveled the chair around to face him. "You're not that old," she told him softly.

He quirked an eyebrow, frowning. "I said no."

"You won't have to share me," she promised. "I don't service others."

"You hush," he scolded. Apparently his thoughts on Inara were reading loud and clear to his Reader.

River got up from her chair, gracefully stepping over plastic dinosaurs that littered the walkway. She stood before Mal, smiling up at him. "Think about it," she said.

"Don't need to," he told her, getting a little worried that she seemed so stuck on the idea. Was this one of those River things where she was serious, or one of those River things where she pretended to be serious to push your buttons? Either way it was making him uncomfortable. "I've already decided the answer is no, no way, and not gonna happen. Not gonna think on it." He smiled at her. "Dong ma?"

"Yes you will," he replied in a sing-song voice. She floated down the steps and away, twirling here and there as she made her way back to her lonely bunk below the deck.

Mal watched her go, a strange look on his face. She was being weird, and that was saying something for River.


	3. Chapter 3

Everyone sat around in the common room, laughing and talking. Kaylee and Simon were curled up together on the loveseat. Jayne had taken the lone chair hostage. Zoe leaned against the doorway to the infirmary, and Mal stood with Inara by the stairway. At the moment it seemed they were exchanging stories of childhood antics, and Kaylee had just shared a doozie.

"So my daddy comes out with his belt," she was explaining through laughter, "and he's waving it over his head screaming, 'I'm gonna kill you, boy!' Poor Travis goes flying off like a rocket, dropping his clothes in the dirt and heading home fast as he can get. Poor thing. And I'm screamin' at my daddy that Travis and I fell into the lake and we was walkin' home in our underthings 'cause our clothes were soaked and we didn't wanna catch our deaths!" This brought about more peals of laughter from the group.

River peeked down the stairway, carefully approaching the group. All eyes were focused on Kaylee. She stepped lightly in behind Mal and Inara, watching intently.

As the laughter died down, Kaylee shook her head and smiled. "I was only nine, I didn't know any better. What, did he think me 'an Travis were doin' the nasty? I didn't even know what from where back then." She giggled, stroking a stray hair off Simon's cheek. "Not like I do now, anyway."

"And how," Simon agreed, though he blushed like crazy.

"I bet she do," Jayne agreed, grinning like a dervish.

"That's a mystery you'll never solve," Kaylee teased Jayne, scooting closer to Simon.

"You best be keepin' good thoughts on Kaylee," Mal warned. "She's spoken for, an' I don't need no gentlemanly fights to the death on my boat."

"Mm," Zoe agreed. "Then you'd have to show 'em a thing or two on dueling, eh?" This brought about another round of laughter, only this time at Mal's expense.

River bent down at the waist, her hair falling aside her face. At eye level with Mal, she reached over and touched his cheek, gently turning his face towards hers. She caught him in the middle of a laugh, his mouth curled into a sheepish grin. Tilting her head, she pressed her mouth against his, her tongue pushing its way past his teeth. He gasped, and she deepened the kiss. It felt like an eternity passed between them, eons of time before he reared back, too surprised to speak.

"River!" Simon cried out, shocked. The room had suddenly gone still.

"Tastes like aftermath," she told Mal in a calm voice. "Of things lost."

This, it seemed, brought Mal back to focus. "Whoa there!" he cried out, taking a step away. "You... I said no!" Shaking his head, he couldn't think of anything more to say, except for "Wow.", which incidentally slipped out anyway.

"River, what are you thinking?!" Simon yelled, pushing Kaylee off him and getting to his feet.

_"Wow_?" Inara asked, her gaze hard.

"Well, she... tongue!" Mal said defensively. He wasn't helping himself any. But what more could he say? She'd caught him completely by surprise, and what's more is she made it all Frenchified. And he hated to admit it, but it had been very... intense. Erotic. Powerful. She was gonna make some man real lucky someday.

"Mal, I am so, so sorry!" Simon apologized. "I don't know why she's-"

"Do you care?" River said accusingly. She glared at Simon. "Does he even notice she's not there, does he care? Or does he waste his time in the engine room getting things revved up?" She cast a sidelong glace at Kaylee, whose mouth was hanging open in shock.

"River, you can't just act on impulses!" he scolded her. "And you shouldn't even be thinking things like this."

She leapt down the last few steps, landing between Inara and Mal. "Jealous?" she asked coyly. "Or do you never notice anymore when she's gone?" Glaring hard at him, River stomped away to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

Simon stood for awhile, staring after her. "I-I'm really sorry, Mal," he said finally. "I don't know why she did that."

Still a bit shaken, Mal took it in stride. "Well, you know, she's just... it's okay." Pursing his lips, he chose his next words carefully. "She feels left out," he told Simon. "Since you an' Kaylee. Maybe you oughta..."

"I'll talk to her," Simon offered. "And again, I'm... _really_ sorry about that." He couldn't even manage to make eye contact with the captain before slinking away to River's room. As he slid the door closed behind him, Simon sighed at River. "Mei-mei," he began.

"Don't call me that," she sulked. "I hate it."

"Fine," he conceded. "What in God's name were you doing? Kissing Mal, are you-"

"Crazy?" she said accusingly. Simon frowned, but said nothing. "I wanted you to be jealous. To care. To show you that I won't always be around for you." Pouting, River looked into Simon's eyes. "Why don't you love me anymore?" she asked, her eyes wide and wet.

"What?" He was surprised. Where was this coming from? "Bei-bei, you know I love you." He sat down on the bed beside her and wiped a tear off her cheek. "I'll always love you."

"Then why are you with _her_?"

He frowned again. "You know why I am."

"But if you love me, you shouldn't need to be with her."

"We've been over this," he explained calmly. "River, you know this is best."

"Why do we have to stay here?" she demanded. "Why can't we go, find another ship, another place?"

"I thought you liked it here. With Mal, and Inara... and Kaylee." He tried to catch her eye, but River looked away. "I thought you were happy here with them. Your friends."

She sniffed. "I am," she admitted. "Serenity is home."

"So why would you want to go?"

"Because I can't have you here!" she shouted. "Because I have to share you and I want to keep you, just mine."

Sighing, Simon put an arm around River and drew her close. He kissed the top of her head. "I'm yours," he promised her. "You know if you need me I'm here."

Tilting her head to look up at him, River frowned dubiously. "I need you," she whispered. "But you're never there. She has you now, all hers, all gone."

"No," he insisted. "Not all hers. I'm yours, bei-bei. Always." He wiped another tear from her face, smiling. River placed a hand on his cheek, stroking the smooth skin. He'd shaved this morning. Breathing in his scent, she moved her mouth close to his, sealing it with a kiss. He closed his eyes, remembering her familiar taste. Her mouth was soft against his, and small. River ran her fingers through his hair, her body aching to be with his. It had been too long since last time, far too long. Her fingertips had almost forgotten the softness of his skin, the smoothness of his neck. She kissed harder, her tongue probing his mouth. He reciprocated, groaning against her lips. River moved herself beneath him, pulling him on top of her. Simon slipped an arm beneath River, holding her close. Her body was lean and limber as she arched her back, grinding herself against him. He moaned again, louder this time. He'd forgotten how good she felt in his arms, how small and warm and smooth. River wrapped her legs around Simon's waist, creating a friction between them that brought Simon to hardness. His mouth trailed away from hers, finding the soft spots on her neck. River gasped, reaching a hand between them to feel his arousal. She stroked it through the fabric, imagining its velvety smoothness. She wanted it inside her.

"Listen, River, I just wanted to-" Mal's voice broke the Tam's heated tryst, his words stopping dead in the air. "Oh, uh..." he said quickly, backing out the door. His face was white as a sheet. He slid the door closed, stepping away and retreating back to the common room.

"Shit," Simon cursed, slipping away from River and chasing after Mal. "Mal!" he called out, hoping against hope to catch him before-

"...in bed together!" Mal exclaimed to a room full of shocked people. Simon ran up behind Mal, placing all the wide-eyed stares upon himself. He stood a moment, too stunned to speak. After being so careful, after months and months of keeping secrets and checking his every move, it all came down to this.

Kaylee was the first to speak. "What's going on?" she asked, looking unbelievably hurt. She knew having someone like Simon was too good to be true, but she didn't think it could ever be this bad.

Simon wracked his brain and tried, really tried, for an explaination. But he didn't have one. "I can explain," he said weakly. Defeated, he threw his hands up. Closing his eyes, he prepared himself for the worst that was yet to come. "River and I. We..." He sighed. "She's not my sister. I'm not her brother."

What did you say to something like that? No one knew how to respond. They simply exchanged confused, horrified glances. "No," Kaylee finally said, "that's not true. You and River... you've told us stories about growing up... together."

"I lied," he said flatly.

"B-but... that's impossible. She's got to be your sister. It's on Alliance records and everything."

"She's not my sister," Simon explained again, " because I'm not Simon Tam."


	4. Chapter 4

River sat on her bed, curled into herself. She wanted to chase after Simon, wanted to stop Mal before he told everyone what he'd seen, but she knew it was already too late. She could hear the deafening silence in their minds, could feel their confusion and anger and, in Kaylee's case, such deep hurt. River never knew there could be such hurt in the world, and she'd been exposed to more hurt than she'd ever know what to do with. It felt like Zoe's ache after she realized her husband wasn't going to be following them into the fray, that Wash would never again make her smile or laugh or bring her to orgasm. Kaylee was so open and honest and genuinely good, and hearing Simon's words had been like an icy cold slap to the face.

River closed her eyes and listened. She listened to the conversation going on just outside the thin walls of her sanctuary. She listened as the truth came out and all the safety Simon had gotten them over the past year was washed away. She was killing them both and she knew it. Why had she been so jealous? She knew Simon loved her, she knew he could never care for Kaylee the way he did for her. Why did it matter whose bed he stayed in at night? He was hers, she was his, and no good hearted mechanic who put out was going to change that.

In the common room, Simon was nervous. Well, nervous didn't come close. Scared outta his wits was more apt. Why had he let himself slip? He and River had been so careful, so cautious. Even when he knew no one was around, he never dropped character. Of course, he'd never planned on staying on Serenity this long. He'd never thought he'd have a place where he was welcomed, where he was wanted. He never thought he'd meet someone like Kaylee.

"I reckon you got a lot to explain here, Doc," Mal began, sensing Simon's timidness. "Or are you not a doctor, anyway?"

"Damn well better be!" Jayne interjected. "I let him patch me up an' inject me with who knows what!" He scowled deeply. "You messed with me, you gonna have more'n a spitfire mechanic to lay you out."

"Let him say his piece," Mal said seriously. "'Fore we toss him out the airlock."

Simon swallowed. He had no doubt that Mal would, in fact, shove him out into the black and watch him explode. He'd better choose what he said carefully. "River is not my sister," he began, because it was as good a place as any. "We did grow up together, yes, but as neighbors. Her family semi-adopted me, since my parents were never home. So in a way, we were like siblings. Only... not." He fidgeted uneasily. He hadn't spoken about this in so long it was tough to decide what they needed to hear and what they didn't_. Best to keep it to a minimal_, he decided.

"That don't fit," Zoe said. "We've seen your face on all the Alliance bulletins. They got your picture listed as Simon Tam. If you two ain't family, how's that work?"

"I'm getting there," he assured her. "When I turned eighteen, I stole Simon's identity and used it as my own."

"Why?"

"Because I needed to use the family's name to get into school. My parents were new money, no one respected them. Where we come from, you need to have three generations of wealth before anyone takes you seriously. I couldn't get scholarships or grants for med school."

"That still don't fit," Zoe argued. "If River has a brother, then he'd still be listed on Alliance records as Simon Tam. We'd be seeing his face, not yours."

He shook his head. "I erased him. All his files, his fingerprints, everything. Then stuck his name on all my information."

"But how? He'd still be using-"

"He's dead."

This time Mal spoke up. "He'd have a death certificate. You can't erase that, it'd be listed in his parents records. We've seen those, too. Says they got two alive children." He quirked an eyebrow, daring this Simon person to explain that.

And he did. "They don't know he's dead."

The captain scoffed. "How could they not know? He's their son."

"No one knows. Except me and River."

"How could no one-"

"Because... I'm the one who killed him."

The words were like lead in the air. It felt like a vacuum had sucked out all the noise, coating everything in heavy silence. "When we turned eighteen together," he explained, "Simon and I went off to school. Only I never got accepted. I said that I had and moved away. Only one of us showed up to college." He bit his lip, not knowing what else to say. Actually, he did. "River and I were lovers," he continued, unable to look Kaylee's way. "And Simon hated that. And he never let us be, never left us alone. He didn't understand. So when we left home, I wrote a letter to my parents, saying I was never coming back. And then I just sent letters to his parents, as if I were him. As the years went on, I wrote less and less, and eventually they stopped trying to contact him. I guess they think he's just grown up and moved on." It was actually a lot more complicated than that, but this wasn't the time to share his ingenuity. Right now they just needed facts, not details. "So that's it," he summarized. "I don't know what else to say."

Mal was staring at him sternly, his brow furrowed. "Why'd you lie to us?" he said simply. "I don't think you being her... well, whatever you are to River- would have made us any less inclined to help you."

"You weren't inclined to help me at all," Simon reminded him. "Kaylee almost died because of it."

Mal nodded. "Yes," he said curtly. "I remember." He looked over at Kaylee to see how she was holding up. She seemed to be on a whole new level of pissed.

"So you would've let me die," she said softly. "I always thought on that and told myself you wouldn't have really, cuz you were too decent a guy. You could never let someone die. You were a doctor, and doctor's 'supposed to help people." Getting to her feet, fists balled at her side, Kaylee was ready to let hellfire loose. "But you killed someone. You really could have let me just bleed out if the cap'n hadn't done what you said. You _wang ba dan_!" Angry intensity burned in her normally smiling eyes. "To think, I had you in my bed! I trusted you, I coulda... I coulda _loved_ you." Her last words were broken by a weak sob. "What's your name?" she demanded quietly.

He paused a moment. "Adam Morrell."

"That the truth?"

"Yes, Kaylee..." he said desperately. "Everything we talked about, what we said... What _I_ said... with you, I wasn't lying."

She scoffed. "How in the hell can I believe that? You're as phony as St. Elmo's Fire. Everything you are is based on nothing. You're a murder, for cryin' out loud. You _killed_ someone."

"Kaylee-"

"And River! What about her? You love her, don't you? You just said you did. So why're you with me, why'd you bother?" A few select tears ran down her cheeks. "Tell me."

He looked around nervously. "I really don't want to talk about this here, not now. This is... personal."

"This ain't personal!" she snapped, startling everyone so much that Jayne actually reached out to grab her in case she started swinging. "You just broke my heart in front of the whole world! This is just business to you, right? I was just a part of the plan, just a way to keep your spot on board safe? Ain't that right??"

"Yes," he admitted sharply. Apparently Kaylee had not expected this answer, or at least not in such a frank tone, because she was rendered speechless. "I couldn't tell you River wasn't my sister because then I'd have to tell you about Simon and why my face is on his name. And when you showed an interest in me, I figured this was a safe way to win everyone over so we could stay. And it worked. And I like you, Kaylee, I really do. But that's not how it started, and you should know the truth."

Too hurt, angry and sad to speak, Kaylee reared her hand back and slapped Simon hard against the cheek. He turned his face, stung. But he knew he deserved it. He deserved a lot worse. But when she reared back again, his hand shot out and grabbed her wrist hard enough to bruise. "Don't," he warned her darkly, "do that."

As soon as Simon's hand touched Kaylee's, Jayne was on his feet. He shoved the doctor against the wall, pushing Kaylee behind him. Simon let his grip go on the mechanic so Jayne didn't inadvertantly tear her arm off. The oaf never seemed to realize when he was hurting people he cared about. "That'll be a mistake you don't make twice," Jayne warned.

"Who _are_ you?" Kaylee gaped, backing slowly away from a man she thought she'd known. They'd spent so much time together, poured their hearts out to one another. Or so she'd thought. "I feel so cheap, so dirty. So... used. I thought you was a good person."

"You didn't care what I was like," Simon retorted, shoving Jayne away. "All you saw was a nice looking doctor who you thought was handsome. I could've been a prick, you wouldn't have cared."

Kaylee's jaw dropped. "That ain't true!" she yelled, starting to cry again. "You were decent and kind-"

"I got you shot!" he yelled back. "And I used you as a bargaining chip to ensure my stay here." He wiped the sweat from his brow. "I'm amazed you're so surprised that I've been playing you all along."

Kaylee bit her lip, trying to decide which hurt worse- the fact that Simon had used her, or the fact that she really should have seen it coming. No one like her deserved a doctor. "I cared about you," she whispered softly. "Not the doctor, _you_. Or who I thought you were. Because I thought you cared about me. B-but I guess..." Her sobs overtook her words.

He shook his head. "You didn't care about me," he said again. "You cared about what I represented. About the fancy life I had." He waved a hand toward Jayne. "_He_ has cared about you since the first day I stepped on board here, and you never gave him a second glance. Why? Because he's just like you. Because he's simple, an outer Rim kind of man. Kaylee, this guy would probably take a bullet for you."

"I did," Jayne interjected.

"Exactly. And you never cared to notice. Because..." He licked his lips, thinking. "Because you used me too. To feel better about yourself."

Kaylee stared at him, stunned. "The Simon I knew would never hurt me like this," she said at last. "He'd never be so cold, so awful."

"Well I'm not that Simon Tam," he reminded her. "Dong ma?" She nodded, fully understanding. Her life, her budding romance... it was gone. Turning quickly, Kaylee pushed past Mal and Inara and sped up the stairs, not stopping until she reached her bedroom where she collapsed on her bunk and sobbed.

Inara touched Mal's arm gently. "I should follow her," she said quietly. The captain nodded, then took a few steps toward the doctor. "Nice job," he said coldly.

Simon nodded. "Whatever helps," he whispered.

"So... didn't mean a word of that, then?" The doctor shook his head. "Good," Mal continued. "It's what I thought, you putting her on. Make the break easier. Let her hate you, she gets over it quicker." This was reason number one why he hated romances on the ship. It gunked up the works. "And, y'know, if I'd thought for a moment you were bein' sincere, I'd have knocked you out long time ago."

"I've no doubt of that," Simon agreed.

"Wait, you wasn't serious?" Jayne demanded, confused.

Simon shook his head. The art of subtlty and deception was always lost on Jayne. "She's all yours," he told the merc. "I'm going to get my things ready. I imagine we'll be leaving sooner than not." He pushed past Jayne, keeping his eyes to the floor. He knew his time on this ship was short, but at least it would be the only time he was ever honest.

Almost.


	5. Chapter 5

Mal heard the knock on the door to the bridge. He even heard it the second time, and the third. But he didn't want to answer it. He already knew who it was. "Come in, doc," he called, still sitting in the pilot's chair. In Wash's chair.

Simon came in, closing the door behind him. "Captain, I'd like-"

"I know what you'd like," Mal interrupted. "You wanna apologize for all the trouble you caused, ask if we'd consider-"

"No," Simon cut in, interrupting right back. "That's not it at all." He sighed, placing his palms together and pressing the sides to his lips. "Not everything was wrong. About River and I, I mean. You saw the Alliance chasing her, you've seen what it's done to her. Everything she is, is real." He readied himself for a plea bargain, and he could sense Mal knew what was coming as well.

"Talk straight," the captain ordered. "What do you want?"

"Don't tell on us."

Mal lifted an eyebrow. "That it?"

"Yes sir. That's it. I just need you to drop us off and act like you've never seen us before. I know I don't deserve any kindness, but this isn't for me. It's for River. She's sick. She needs help. She needs _me_. And if we get turned in... they're just going to take her back and cut her up and ruin her. And I'll go to jail, or worse, be executed. I won't be able to save her again. So, I just need you and your crew to leave us alone."

Mal turned in the chair, looking Simon up and down thoughtfully. He got to his feet, took a few steps closer to the doctor. "The girls needs you," he agreed. "And I think you can help her. So no, I won't turn you in. Won't encourage any of my crew to either. Can't guarantee what they do on their own, but chances are they won't care nothing about you when you're gone."

Simon nodded. It was the best he could get. "Thank you," he said sincerely.

"Sure," Mal said amiably. "Now, having said that..." Rearing his fist back, Mal took a swing at Simon hard enough to draw blood. The doctor fell to the floor, holding his jaw. "You're lucky I ain't snapping your neck," Mal said fiercely. "You brought my crew right into danger. You get us involved in your mess, you get one of mine _killed_, and all you can do is ask me for favors? You don't even apologize, you break my mechanic's heart. I lost a dear friend because of you and yours, and all based on a _lie_?" Mal kicked Simon in the ribs, aiming to make something crack. "My first in command lost a husband. She ain't been the same since. I'm losing a second pilot, and a medic which, in case you ain't noticed, we truly need. My crew is falling to pieces around me, and all cuz you couldn't have just said outright that that girl ain't your sister."

Simon slowly got to his feet, wiping the blood from his mouth onto his crisp white sleeve. "I am sorry," he began. "I never wanted to harm any of you. I never wanted it to go this far. I never wanted... anything like this." His voice got quiet, severe. "But you are not the only person whose lost someone dear to them," he said. "Wash was a friend to me, too. Shepherd Book was a comrade to me just the same as you. It kills me to know Zoe goes to an empty bed every night and wonders why it had to be her husband. Your crew is going through a rough patch, one you will all band together for and see yourselves through." He ran a hand over his face. "But River and I are losing everything. We lost her family when I went to save her. We're losing this family. This ship... Serenity is the only place we've felt welcomed in so long. I know it's my fault, and I know I've caused everyone heartache. But that doesn't make it easier."

Mal tapped his fingers against his elbow, his arms crossed. "Frankly, Simon, I couldn't care less about your problems." He made a face. Unfortunately, that wasn't entirely true. Despite the wrongdoings, he liked Simon. Or, well, not quite Simon. "So... what does River call you?"

At first, the doctor looked confused by the question. "She calls me Simon," he said. "Or brother. She hasn't called me Adam since..." _Since the real Simon died._

Mal understood. "She's a good girl, River. Loyal."

"That she is."

"She deserves a better life than this."

"I know." He felt so ashamed of what he provided River as a so-called life. He's promised her he'd save her. When a valiant knight saved the fair maiden, didn't he also bring her to a happy place where she was always safe, and didn't he always protect her? Simon had most certainly failed at all those things.

"Damnit." Mal cursed, then cursed some more in incomprehensible Chinese. "What am I supposed to do with you? Half of me want to lay you out right here, you caused me so much grief. The other half knows that that girl needs you, so I can't. And you've helped us out of a lot of scrapes. 'Course, you pretty much caused most of 'em, too, so I'm back at laying you out."

Simon nodded. "I really am sorry, Mal. About Kaylee. About Wash... everything."

"Hmm." He didn't know what to say to that. He could tell Simon was sorry, could see it on every pore of the man's face. But it wasn't the face of someone he actually knew. That was the part that kept throwing him. When you're in battle with someone, you think you know them. You think you know their true nature. But as it turned out, Mal didn't know Simon at all. "Anything else?"

"No, sir. Thank you." He turned to go, looking over his shoulder just once to see if Mal was watching him. The captain had returned to his seat, facing away from the door. Sliding the door closed behind him again, Simon walked quickly back to his quarters. It felt like the longest mile of his life.

* * *

"I heard you coming," River said, smiling. She was sitting on his bed, waiting. "I've packed."

Simon smiled weakly at her. "You're ready to go already?" She nodded. "Will you miss this place? These people?"

The smile evaporated from her face. "This was home," she said sadly.

"Yes," he agreed. "It was." But not anymore. Now they had no home, nowhere safe to lay their heads. He'd gotten comfortable with being here, with having people to watch his back. People who cared.

"Will you miss her?" River asked.

Simon cleared his throat. "Who?" he asked, folding a sweater and placing it gently into his suitcase.

"Kaylee. She was sweet. Will you miss her?"

He looked away from River, turning to grab his shaving kit from off the dresser. "Not much," he said at last. "She was sweet, yes. But I have you." He smiled at her, bent down and kissed her cheek. River smiled.

"Is River all you need?"

"River is all I've ever needed."

* * *

_River is all I need_, he tried to tell himself as he watched Serenity lift high into the air and whiz out of sight. They stood on a city street on one of the Core planets closer to the Rim than not, watching their home fly away without them. Simon wondered if anyone had bothered to take a second glance at them, if any of the crew were thinking of himself or River as they disappeared. He wondered if Kaylee missed him, or hated him, or doubted anything he'd ever told her.

Simon, Adam Morrell, was a liar by nature. He played parts, he pretended to be anyone he was not. Lying came easily to him, it was natural. He didn't even have to think about it. He'd lied to the crew of Serenity when first boarding. He'd lied to them when they discovered River sleeping in her frozen state. He'd lied about his past, about his family, about his school days. He'd lied to Kaylee when he'd hurt her, broken her heart. But he never felt bad when he told these tales about himself. He did feel bad, though, when he had never told Kaylee that everything he'd told her in the dark, every sweet whisper, had been true. That he could have loved her right back.

River would find out his true feelings about Kaylee, if she didn't know already. River could always read him even before the Alliance had tampered with her brain. But River loved him, and she would forgive him. After all, River was all he needed. And since that day he'd cut Simon Tam's throat, River was all Adam was ever going to have.

"Our life," River said, also watching Serenity fly away. "It's changed, now. We can be ourselves."

Simon nodded. "If only we were sure what that means."

River placed a hand on each of his cheeks, drawing his face close. "It means we have each other," she told him, kissing him gently. "I am yours. You are mine. Always."

"Always," he agreed, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her firmly.

As she felt the familiar warmth of Simon's mouth, the comforting fire of lust in her belly, River Tam smiled a secret smile. She knew he had fallen in love with Kaylee, and that it would only be a matter of time before he fell out of love with River. Just like she knew that her real brother, Simon, would've done anything to keep her and Adam apart. Why she'd convinced Adam the only way they could be together was if Simon died. River knew that while Serenity was home, was safe, she would have to be a girl she wasn't, would have to give up something she did not want to lose.

Most importantly, she had know that Mal was coming to her room to see if everything was all right. That was why, after so many months of watching her every move, she'd kissed Simon that day.


End file.
